


The Handsome Stranger

by Freshnonsense42



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Welcome to Night Vale Setting, M/M, Pre-Slash, more like taking beacon hills' weirdness and mixing it with night vale's weirdness, not a true au, stiles is the narrator but derek is not a scientist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 18:47:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19932796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Freshnonsense42/pseuds/Freshnonsense42
Summary: A handsome stranger has arrived in town, the Beacon Hills Community Radio host noticed.





	The Handsome Stranger

**Author's Note:**

> So I had kinda been thinking about a Night Vale version of Beacon Hills when I started looking through a recap on Teen Wolf. It really put things into motion. [This](https://prettiestcaptain.tumblr.com/post/153723136349/teen-wolf-s6ep2-a-summary) post in particular. It was just so hilarious to me that Beacon Hills just accepted that the very obviously not a bear supernatural creature was a bear. Also there were so many witnesses who saw Scott fight the "bear", which means the town just believes Scott McCall is the kinda guy who'd fight a bear and not get harmed. 
> 
> I wanted this to be Night Vale-esque version of Beacon Hills. So I tried to mix Cecil's voice with Stiles's voice. I don't think I fully succeeded, but I'm okay with it enough to post it.

_ The night is long, the moon is watching, and we all pretend not to hear the lonely howls from the Preserve. Welcome to Beacon Hills. _

A reminder from the Sheriff’s Secret Police: supernatural creatures do not exist. Maybe you were dragged into a faerie court, endured countless tricks and played your own, and returned to a time different from the one you left. Maybe even centuries different. Maybe this happened, except it didn’t. That was a hallucination. It was definitely not faeries set on revenge against Beacon Hills. 

It’s not like the Sheriff’s Secret Police poured left over acid from the recent spelling bee on the faerie’s home. Not on purpose at least. How were they supposed to know that particular acorn housed a faerie? There wasn’t even a welcome mat or anything!

Yeah, it definitely wasn’t that. 

Supernatural creatures are a figment of your imagination. Stop using your freaking imagination! Imaginations are illegal after the Sandman Incident of 1993. People who continue to use their imagination, will be taken to the caves at the Preserve as a sacrifice to the faeries. 

A hot like burning stranger has come to town. He lived in Beacon Hills years ago, but moved away. He was familiar to a different Beacon Hills, but is a stranger to this Beacon Hills. He had a black Camaro, a black leather jacket, photoshopped abs, and eyebrows like black caterpillars predicting a harsh winter. 

He was also arrested as soon as he entered town for being too handsome. Or, I’m assuming that’s why he was arrested. The sheriff is being _rude_ and refusing to tell me why Derek Hale, the stranger, was arrested. One thing’s for certain, listeners, his bad boy image has only increased with this arrest. It’s awesome! More on this as it develops. 

_Some_ people have complained about vehicles loitering outside Beacon Hills High School. Listeners, these complaints are basically the most irrational complaints ever. Conflicts are legally required to be resolved at BHHS, everyone knows that. Of course strange vehicles hang out there all the time.

Here at Beacon Hills Community Radio we strive to always be helpful. That’s what Scott told me, at least, when I complained about people not knowing the _law_. So. Here’s a few tips on which cars are safe or not safe. 

Is it a white van, which reads ‘Not the Sheriff’s Secret Police. Secret Police? Who said Secret Police? There are no Secret Police. You misheard us. Anyway, we’re not them’? That’s the Sheriff’s Department. Any conflict that was going on has long since passed if the Sheriff’s Department is on the scene. You can rest assured that everything is safe. Well, as safe as anything ever is in this bitch of an uncaring universe. 

Is it a Toyota, which implants the thought ‘non-suspicious’ directly into your mind? Better stay away. That’s Dr. Deaton, the town’s supposed veterinarian. Deaton tends to run around involving himself in conflicts so he can be vague. It’s like his favorite thing to do. So, if he’s around then the conflict is probably still happening. 

Is it a black SUV with its windows darkened enough that all you can see is your distorted reflection, no matter how closely you press your face to the window? We don’t know who owns those cars. I’d stay if I were you. 

Coach Lahey was discovered abusing his son, Isaac Lahey. The Sheriff’s Secret Police surrounded the Lahey family home within moments. The sheriff stood in front of the house with a megaphone. If Lahey surrendered himself, the sheriff said, Lahey would only be reconditioned and not disappeared. 

Lahey shouted curses and threats. Deputies from the Secret Police snuck around back, entered the house, and tackled him to the ground. Lahey was taken into custody and disappeared. To the family of Coach Lahey… well, y’know.

Isaac stated a werewolf rescued him from his father. The Sheriff’s Secret Police released a counter statement: ‘Supernatural creatures do not exist. Werewolves do not exist. The hierarchy of werewolf packs is forbidden knowledge’. It seems the woman who rescued Isaac is a hero, and sexy, but not a werewolf.

The Secret Police attempted to arrest this unnamed savior, but she absconded with Isaac. An APB has been issued for a woman with dark hair and sharp teeth and a man, tall with curled hair. If you see either, avert your gaze, clutch your coat to your body, and forget you ever saw them. 

And now horoscopes.

Aquarius: You will meet the love of your life! You will marry the love of your life! You will commit to the love of your life! You will merge corporeal forms with the love of your life! Prove you love the love of your life enough by becoming a singular person! _Focus_ , Aquarius, focus. 

Virgo: Maybe it’s time to leave your old life and begin a new one, dude? Maybe it’s time to start believing in things nobody else believes in? Maybe it’s time to join people who don’t exist? Maybe don’t tell anybody you’re doing this? Maybe, if you do snitch, Virgo, the stars will kick your ass?

Gemini: Power will lead to your downfall. Then your uprising… then probably your downfall again. Power is a just a, like, cycle. Up, down, up, down, it doesn’t matter. Ugh, power. Why are you so obsessed with it?

Pisces: There’s a deep, dark secret lurking in your life. It’s there, creeping around the edges of your daily life like a bloodstained grumpy man hiding from the Sheriff’s Secret Police in your bedroom. Waiting… waiting… waiting. When it pops out to meet you, be cool and don’t go on a murderous rampage. 

Taurus: That thing you thought you saw… no you didn’t. Bury the memory deep beneath your trauma and change your name. Quit your job, pack your things, and abandon your life. You don’t want anybody else thinking you saw what you saw. 

Cancer: You’ve worked hard lately, Cancer. Treat yourself to an ice cream cone. Everyone deserves a treat now and then. It’s been a long, hard week. So head on over to the Ice Cream Shack and get a double scoop with extra toppings. What’s that? You’re lactose intolerant? Whiny. Try to do something nice for people. Just have frozen grapes, I guess. 

Capricorn: They say you can never go home again. They say home isn’t a place, it’s a person. They say a lot of bullshit, but you shouldn’t listen to them. Stay in Beacon Hills! It’s a great place to live! Just… stay, Capricorn. Where else do you have to be? _New York_? Yeah, right, dude. Sounds like a fake place. There’s a house for rent on Grant Street, Capricorn. 

Scorpio: Armor can be lots of things. It can be heavy metal fully encasing your body, so if you enter a body of water it drowns you. It can be a shirt with the word ‘armor’ in the brand name. It can be stilettos sharpened to a knife’s point. It can be grease-stained sweatpants. You can destroy your enemies while wearing any of these armors, Scorpio. Stop limiting yourself and have a little fun. Buy a mace. Crush a windpipe with your tennis shoe covered foot. Get creative.

Aries: The stars say _(30 seconds of low growling)_. Well, cool. 

Sagittarius: Loneliness is crippling you. Find people to stand in the same room with. Find out their secret. Make their secret your secret and be bonded by secrets. Time is running out, Sagittarius. Better start secret hunting now.

Leo: The stars say… shit. This is bad. Hmm, I can’t read that on the air. Let’s go with: your entire self-image shouldn’t rest on whether or not everyone loves you. It shouldn’t rest on whether or not you love you either. It should rest on whether or not _(prolonged scream)_. And that’s all I’m gonna say about this horoscope. 

Libra: Murder is always bad. Murder is sometimes bad. Murder is a sliding scale of bad, which is determined solely by you, Libra. Morality is black and white and you hold the crayons. 

This has been horoscopes.

Derek Hale was released from jail with a stern warning against looking like a serial killer. The sheriff stated Derek’s still under suspicion for the murder of Laura Hale. But they were forced to release him after Laura Hale showed up at the station.The Sheriff’s Secret Police suspect this Laura is from an alternate universe and Derek killed the Laura from our universe. 

‘Someone killed Laura Hale. Just because there’s another Laura Hale now, doesn’t mean we won’t find her killer,’ The Sheriff stated. LauraHale had no comment on her existence or the timeline she originated in. Mostly because I don’t know how to reach her. Laura, if you’re listening, call me. Oh! And give Derek my number. More on this as it progresses. 

Holy shit, listeners, an entity with razor sharp teeth and black eyes is at Beacon Hills Hospital. The entity, who is definitely not a faerie, is absorbing all the light in the hospital. They’re growing larger and fiercer as they stand on the nurse’s station counter, according to Nurse Melissa McCall. 

‘You have desecrated the sacred home of the Beacon Hills Faeries,’ stated the entity. ‘You’re place of healing shall act as sacrifice as payment. We have lived for millennia and will not bow to human tyranny’.

Listeners, the hospital is being consumed by darkness. Witnesses are reporting an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. They also report their bones thinning and snapping under the pressure of the absence of light. The darkness is reportedly spreading beyond the hospital. 

Things don’t look good for us, Beacon Hills. We’re all gonna die because who could save us from a non-faerie entity? This is the end of our small idyllic town.

While we wait on the mass murder of our town, I take us to the weather. 

[I Blocked Qanon Gramma On Facebook](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OONTgvNU3WA)

We’re alive, bitches! The entity was thwarted by an iron bar straight through the… well, the area the heart is located in humans. All the light rushed out of the entity and back into Beacon Hills. Residents who’d reported their bones thinning are now reporting their bones are stronger than ever. 

People who reported broken bones are still reporting broken bones. Nurse McCall and other hospital staff are dutifully tending to the victims of the faerie attack. No! Not faerie. The… entity attack? Not as catchy, but meh. 

Who were our unlikely saviors? Derek and Laura Hale! They rushed the hospital with spine tingling roars. Derek with electric blue eyes and Laura with blazing red eyes. They fought the fae- uh, entity, with Laura babbling nonsense about Beacon Hills being Hale Pack territory. And then they killed it. Killed it dead!

It. Was. Awesome. I went to interview the siblings for a statement on the fight. Derek shoved me against the wall and growled. ‘Faeries are dangerous, you idiot. Why would you rush toward one,’ Derek demanded. 

I, of course, explained that faeries don’t exist. He’s new to town again so I decided to remind him rather than report him. He said, ‘It could’ve killed you. Keep yourself out of trouble or I’ll rip your throat out myself. With my teeth’.

Laura called him pup and told him to calm down. He shoved me away and they left in all their sexy glory. Listeners, I think I can safely say that I’m… in love. How could anyone withstand Derek Hale’s charm? He’s handsome, strong, and _deeply_ caring.

The radio’s landline is ringing, listeners. The sheriff is calling me. I gotta end the show to answer that. You know what they say, ‘Always listen to your father. Unless he’s a racist, sexist, or an elitist. Then duct tape his mouth shut and leave him in the well until he’s learned his lesson’. 

I’ll leave you now, listeners, to the temporary safety from faeries and non-faeries alike. Stay tuned for the bewildered silence of a man who realized his future and the cackling of his sister. Good-night Beacon Hills, good-night. 

Welcome to Beacon Hills was inspired by Welcome to Night Vale and Teen Wolf. Todays weather was [I Blocked Qanon Gramma On Facebook](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OONTgvNU3WA) by [Jonathan Mann](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCvj5S3f10rO6CoibatfRGzg). Questions? Comments? Teen Wolf supercut recs? Know places to watch Teen Wolf for free? “Required watches” recs? Hit that comment button and let me know. 

The voice of Welcome to Beacon Hills was Stiles Stilinski.

**Today’s proverb is** : Mmmbop, mmmbop, we’re gonna listen to Kid’s Bop all day long! Oh god, all day long. Please, someone make it stop. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure if I'll write more in this 'verse. I have a few plot bunnies, but writing in Night Vale's style is kinda hard for me. Also, I have actually never watched Teen Wolf, just read a ton of fanfic. Sometimes I think I should watch it and then I see clips or find out about plot lines and my soul leaves my body. I was serious about the supercut or required watching episodes recs. Maybe I'll gather my courage and watch them.


End file.
